How Not to Write Argumentative Essays

By Nicholas Klacsanzky

argumentative essay writingWhen I was a student, one of my favorite types of academic assignments (if you can use the word “favorite” in that way) was writing persuasive/argumentative essays. However, in my own experience, folks today are not fond of convincing teachers of their viewpoints. At least, this is the impression I got every time I read through massive amounts of mistakes, fake evidence, and writing styles that would make any professor bored. Anyways, here is how one should NOT write argumentative essays.

How Not to Write Argumentative Essays

1. Don’t bother yourself with inventing many arguments. Just one of them is fine to create a good impression for your teacher and to look like you’ve thoroughly researched the subject you are writing on.

2. Dedicate as much space for every argument as you wish. Though teachers sometimes require keeping paragraphs’ length approximately equal, some arguments need to be explained in many words, whereas others can fit in two or three sentences.

3. Introductions are for nerds. Really, who needs this part of writing, which is about how debated or researched the problem is? Just state something like, “I’m going to write about this and that,” and write what you have to say.

4. In the conclusion, cram as much new information as you can, especially stuff you forgot to insert in the body paragraphs.

5. Credibility matters only in serious scientific research and tax declarations. But this is essay writing, man! So, if you’ve ran out of arguments, or cannot find supporting evidence, just make stuff up!

6. Don’t be afraid to make brave and straightforward claims. The more radical you sound, the more you impress your audience!

7. Choose a topic nobody has heard of. This way you can prove how smart and unique you are.

8. Express your subjective beliefs—people will definitely value your sincerity.

Okay, these were my recommendations for writing persuasive essays. Try them out once at school or college, and see what happens. See you next time, and may the Force be with you.

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