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By Bhalachandra Sahaj

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clever facebook statusI know a writer can’t have a Facebook profile—at least that’s what my friends keep trying to convince me of—like “A true writer can’t be a part of mass culture, blah-blah.” Still, I bet about 98% of writers use either Facebook or some other social media network.

What is Facebook for many of its users? Right, pictures and statuses; the latter have a direct connection to writers’ work. At the same time, as a writer, you have no right to post something random, like “I ate pasta with sausages, delicious! Check out my albums to see 154,579,385 photos of my meals!”

This post of mine is a lifesaver for all those who are currently dealing with writer’s block simultaneously with the craving to update their Facebook page every day (or every hour). I am going to provide you with the bread and salt of all writers: ideas. With me, you will always be the shining star of Facebook, and people will believe you are a writer even if you’ve never written a single line.

Don’t use words like “to live,” “look at,” “think,” or something else as primitive as these examples. Instead, you should consider using their synonyms, like “dwell,” “contemplate,” and “give a piercing gaze.” Posts written in “higher” language will definitely make you look like a writer.

Use ellipses. Don’t limit yourself with only three dots; use as many of them as you like. Actually, the more dots you use in an ellipsis, the deeper your thoughts seem. Also, feel free to use like three-four ellipses in one sentence.

– Make anything you say sound meaningful and/or enigmatic. Even if you are going out to a 24/7 grocery late in the evening, you can write something like, “In a moment, I will vanish in the dark, and only God knows if I will ever be able to return from my quest.” And no, you won’t sound like a weirdo, you can trust me.

Write lengthy posts that end in the middle of a sentence, at the most intriguing place (or at least at the place you consider to be intriguing). Write something like this in parentheses, “To be continued.” And don’t forget about an ellipsis!

– Regularly express your own opinion on the literary works of famous writers. Try to sound provocative and scandalous, disagree with authorities, be a rebel! Criticize Stephen King as if you were equally famous and skilled. Give advice to Frederic Beigbeder. Mock Haruki Murakami. Show you are a truly gifted writer!

Drop a hint to people from your friend list that you are working on a book, and that some of them have already become prototypes for your characters. Do not state all this directly—but drop a clear hint. Understand?

Hints are your ultimate weapon in creating an atmosphere of creativity around yourself. Don’t say “I have writer’s block,” instead write “Haven’t written a single word for a week already.” Can you see the difference?

So, these were some of the tips that anyone can use to seem like a cool writer (‘cause I can’t imagine a real writer doing something like what I’ve described above). Stay updated for more fun and usefulness!

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